Allowing myself to live imperfectly and be okay with it feels so damn hard many days. It's harder than it looks, okay people?
When I think of perfect humans my memory always serves me up a reminder near the end of the kid's short novel classic, Freckle Juice.
In one chapter the main protagonist (a young boy) visits a place where everyone is perfect. In order to remain perfect all the people had to sit in chairs and drink tea. No one would attempt to do anything else as they may do it imperfectly.
I know perfect doesn't exist in any sort of sustainable fashion, and yet I still strive for it, building up expectations around all my actions until I feel I'm choking on them.
Perfection in the form of ensuring a conversation goes well, perfect so that others will think kindly of me, perfect so I'll be loved, perfect so I'm finally happy for more than a few months at a time, perfect so that I have a successful career and loving happy marriage at all times.
I know this doesn't exist. One of my favorite saying over the past 17 years has the words "perfectly imperfect" in them, yet I find myself trying to live up to a certain level of perfect inside my daydreaming head. I dream of a life that feels good each day I wake up and each night I go to sleep. Happily living a life free of depression and confusion.
In my quest to be perfect I end up becoming hugely flawed to the point of being detrimental to my life quality. I retreat from friends and family. I crave alone time. I feel too blocked up with too much I want to share that I end up staying silent. I don't write what I wish to as it won't be as good as I want it to be. I'm afraid to disappoint others so I hide in the background.
I cry. I beat myself up. I don't allow myself permission to be flawed.
All THIS because I don't feel like it's okay to show up as I am today.
I find I stay away from this space when I get in those moods. The moods where I believe I'm just a wannabee of all the smiling confident women in their bright and airy boho mid-century homes I see plastered over Instagram.
I fear to show up as I am. I'm afraid to be myself and have people hate me. For people to think I'm too negative or stuck in low vibes. I want to feel better daily and think better feeling thoughts. I've gotten to that space before and I know it can help make my quality of life better, but I also see that when I push my lower vibes aside for the good ones it's just like crash dieting. It isn't sustainable.
Show up as you are, as your self is today.
Words easily spoken, but less easily acted upon.
Sure I can show up as I am, but maybe not show the part that gets depressed and overwhelmed. Not the lazy unsure part of me. Definitely don't show the part of myself that has no fucking clue of what I'm doing in life. Or when I do show up imperfectly I get a vulnerability hangover the following day that can bring on a depressive mood.
Next thing I know I'm not showing my true self at all. Instead I'm actively covering it up in hopes I'll be more accepted in society.
I have to trust that I can be flawed and still believe in the healing energy of the affirmation candles that I sell. I can sell them with honesty even if I myself am not confident and assured 24/7. I can write about why I believe in self love even when I'm still struggling with self hate.
I'm passionate about self love because I crave it. I know the healing power it holds because I've witnessed it. I'm doing this work and creating these candles because I want to bring better energy into this world even on days when I feel low. I do this work because I want to experience a better feeling life built on solid happiness that isn't fleeting.
I may fail at being imperfect on days when my ego self starts running the show and that's okay. If I can't be perfect at most things why should I assume I can be perfect in opening up to everything that I am, the good and the flawed?
I'm nowhere near perfect and that's okay. I'm still good enough, worthy enough, and loved enough to exist and have a good life. I'm good enough to share my thoughts even though many parts of my life feel quite messy.
Now I'm curious... are you, dear viewer, reading this story and find it resonates with your own struggles? I'd love to hear from you either in the comments below or via email.
Thanks for reading today,