I crashed and burned last month emotionally speaking. It feels messy and I don’t have the exact words to describe it, but basically I was hit with depression because I couldn’t hide from my deepest fears and doubts about myself any more. I found myself asking,
“what the f**k am I doing with my life?”
This has been a reminder that we can run all we want from ourselves, never fully escaping those parts we wish to leave behind.
Running away from myself cycle I’d been living most my adult life. I used to move states, cities, or apartments (16 times in 15 years) with the hope of leaving the parts of myself behind that didn’t serve me. Becoming that better me without the dirty work of coming to terms with my shadow self.
Now that I’m married with a home (and partner that loves to stay put) I must finally face all of myself. I bury these parts, yet still they rise. Bobbing up in the middle of the night with feelings of despair while thoughts of being worthless and not living up to my potential float through my mind.
I’m taking control now by throwing a lot of different tools at my disheveled emotional state. I’ve accepted that a combination of western and spiritual medicine is perfectly okay to pair together in this season I find myself in.
I’ve also learned to keep some things to myself and not share every inspired idea I have before it’s fully formed. When I get excited for a project I want to share right away, but when I do so I lose a bit of the magic. My ego starts getting fed and I lose sight of the process by focusing on the end results which inevitably get left behind for the next inspired idea.
Right now I have a new hobby. I'm not sharing what it is, but I will say it's a form of art therapy that grounds me. I'll be keeping it to myself so I can keep the intention of it pure and focus on the process and not put pressure on it to be something it's not.
Diving within to those darkest areas of your being
I share these words with you because this is what Mining for Soul is all about. Diving within to those darkest areas of your being and witnessing them in order to learn more about who you are.
This is not a polished everything is great and let me show you how I overcame my demons space. Not yet at least... This is a work in progress space where I share the messy stuff along with any gems I stumble upon as I go that help me and may help you.
Sometimes I get caught up in feeling like I need to make this space tidy and simple. A space where I show up with a positive mindset everyday and don't share the dirty secret that I don't have it all together at age 38.
Life is such a strange concept when I really think about it. Whenever I think I’ve figured it out I’m struck with a challenge from the universe that tells me otherwise.
Like Jon Snow I know nothing.
Maybe that's the point? Come to terms that there will always be more that I don't know than I do know. Instead of being paralyzed with uncertainty I could feel relief in realizing that I don't need to know or understand it all. I could be okay with sharing my in-progress self and not feel pressured to present a tidy package to you.