It's been a hot minute since I've written anything here. The past couple of months have been intense for me. From the outside you wouldn't have guessed it, but from the inside I've been a basket case. Anxiety and overwhelm was at an all time high and I felt trapped within my body.
It's funny because right now I have all the time in the world to do what I want and this openness lead to so much fear. Fear that I would waste my time doing dumb stuff that doesn't matter. Fear that if I work on my business I might fail.
Really that is what has held me back from writing and showing up in my business. My fear of failure. Why not sit on the couch watching reruns of shows I've seen countless times and bad reality tv? It was safer than sitting down at my computer to write and share my writing with you.
I'd completely abandoned all of my mindset work and let me tell you, that energetic gunk really does come back fast and pile up if you don't keep working on keeping your energy, your thoughts, your mindset clear and full of gratitude. It's too easy to slip into victim mentality and become a passive viewer of your own life when you cease to do the little things that center us back to what really matters in life.
And what really matters in life? Isn't what matters is for us to live this adventure and go along for the ride of it even if we have no clue where it's leading us? I've been all about boundaries and putting up walls around others so as to protect my energy. It wasn't until I started reading the book, The Untethered Soul, that I saw what I was doing was protecting myself from my sensitive nature instead of allowing myself to work through the pain of being triggered by my sensitivity.
To truly be free we must feel free within. We must remain free within when things don't go our way. Not everything in life will go our way and trying to avoid the pain of any disappointment or struggle means we avoid life and in the process we probably avoid a lot of the delightful surprises as well.
I don't have a true purpose for this post. It's more a stream of thoughts that I want to share for those who resonate with this. It may not be the clearest writing, but I know that for anyone who struggles with their thoughts and fears inside will understand that it can feel like one tangled mess that is near impossible to convey with clarity in words.
For right now I just want to show up and share where I've been and where I'm at within. It may be raw, but it's helping me to see that I don't have to have a dialed in put together post. Sure I'll be creating some more structured content here in the coming weeks, but I'm allowed to also share the more messy side from time to time. It shows that I'm human just like you.
I am very hopeful about where my self love journey is taking me these days. The clarity is coming forth and I can see from more of an observer's perspective what internal work there is for me to do now. My soul has been locked up within dark protective walls and it's time to knock down these walls to bring in the light and the freedom I wish to feel each and every day no matter the circumstance occurring in the outer world.