Preparing for my Silent Meditation Retreat, the Good and the Bad

Post meditation cat visits | Preparing for my silent meditation

Post meditation cat visits

One of my recurring dreams over the past couple of years has been me needing to pee and not finding a bathroom.

Either I find myself peeing in a random place that is not a toilet, I find myself in a filthy bathroom where I don’t want to go, or I’m in a place that should clearly have a bathroom, but I can never find it. I then try and find a place outdoors, but there are always crowds of people in my way.


It doesn’t take googling dream meanings to see that I’m searching for something in my waking life.

I have a need to express myself and I’m not finding the place where I feel comfortable and safe to do so.

I’m trying to figure out my place in this world and most of the time I feel like my ego is running the show, I get distracted by all the possible paths I could take in my business, I get overwhelmed by basically having to be around other human beings and feel that my energy gets sucked up in the process.


Which brings me to why I’m sharing any of this with you. Well in one week I’ll be settling into my first silent meditation retreat where I will cease all communication with others for 10 days.

No speaking and no gesturing allowed. My phone will be checked in with the front desk when I arrive and I won’t get it back until I leave.


To some of you this may sound like a nightmare, but for my fellow introverted empaths and I this is the vacation of a lifetime.

To willingly bow out of the day to day in this hectic western society and get out of our thoughts. No more feeling awkward being silent thinking that I should start a conversation while around other people. Now it’s not only welcome, it's required of us to ignore one another. Seriously dream level stuff for me.


I’ve been talking to anyone who will listen about this retreat. I’m quite excited to go on it. I don’t know much of what to expect other than get ready to meditate the day away. The hardest parts for me I think will be two things.

1. My physical comfort.

Meditating for long periods of time can be hard on the body, but I’m not too worried about this. It is what it is and it’s all temporary discomfort that can actually dissolve while in meditation once the mind settles down.

 

2. Not being able to write.

This one might be the hardest for me, but also I think what I need the most right now. I’ve heard that this type of meditation I’ll be doing (Vipsanna) is about letting go of all thoughts, good or bad. Along with our cell phones all writing material is banned.

I was considering sneaking in a pen and paper until one of my friends did this same course was telling me more about the letting go of thoughts aspect. That talk helped me to see where in life I hold onto my thoughts and why I should stick to the Vipsanna protocol 100%.


Now over the years that I’ve gotten into meditation and mindset work I’ve worked on letting go of the negative thoughts, but I hold on for dear life to the positive ones. When I meditate and I get a hit of inspiration I must resist the urge to end my meditation and jot down the words before they dissipate. My first reaction is always to share them on instagram for others to see.


While this isn’t wrong to share these inspirational hits of wisdom it is distracting me from connecting with myself. It gets me out of the inner world and throws me smack dab into the outer one where ego loves to say, “hey look at what inspiring words came through me today!”


And so I think that while letting go of the insights that come to me will be the hardest part, it’s potentially going to be the most rewarding aspect. If the thoughts are meant to serve me and others going forward then I’m sure they’ll come back to me when it comes time to put fingers to keyboard.


Now that we’ve gotten the potential hardships out of the way let's get into what I'm looking forward to. I will say, I’m doing my best to let go of expectations so as to be as open to the experience as possible, but there are parts I’m excited about experiencing for sure.

1. No communication, as mentioned earlier on in this post.

I will either come off this experience bursting at the seams, ready to talk to anyone and everyone. Or I’ll love it and want to become a modern day non-denominational lady monk who takes a vow of silence for a year (this is not even a joke, I seriously think about doing this).

 

2. The lack of content consumption.


It’s been top of mind the amount of content I consume. It’s been my wish to create more than I consume, but it’s so easy to turn to screens and take in what others create. This course will be the ultimate pattern interrupter for me where I can clear my mind and clear my body from my current habits. 

3. During this time my birthday will occur and I’ll be meditating right into age 39.


It's a pivotal year where the day lands on the day of my birth, Friday, the 13th and where my birth month and date, 3 and 13, multiply to make up the age I’ll be turning.

All the synchronicity of this feels powerful to me and for years I’ve wanted to make this year special. Turns out I’ll celebrate alone just as I was before I came into this world. It seems fitting.


Will I find what I’m searching for in waking life? Maybe. Will the bathroom search dreams finally end for me? I can only hope, but those are expectations I don’t wish to glom onto this experience.

I could come away from this with deeper knowledge of who I really am when all the labels are gone or I could come away from this feeling nothing at all. I must be okay with either result. 


In the end it’s a new experience to try out in life and that’ll be worth it, no matter the results.


Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published