"I'm like a bird, I only fly away"
The past two mornings I've had this lyric from Nelly Furtado's song, "I'm Like a Bird", stuck in my head. The past two mornings I've also woken up from dreams where I'm back in my island childhood home or close nearby.
This morning my dream also contained messages about birds. Which is what prompted, I'm Like a Bird, to be back in my head. Only this morning I decided to listen to the song for the first time since the early aughts. Back when I was a young adult just in my early 20s. Back when I used to move a lot more and experience new things in life. Living in California and Boston with stints back in Washington here and there. When I could pack all I own into my car and move to shake things up in my life.
This brings me to perhaps THE biggest pattern in my life that I find myself wanting to break even in the midst of all the discomfort I feel from not being able to escape my current reality, aka what I deem to be my problems. In other words, I keep running into myself.
This pattern is not new to me, nor is it the first time I've written about it or wanted to break it. I got glimpses of this pattern whenever I began feeling the newness wear off and stagnation begin, prompting my urge to move to a new location or city.
At first it seemed harmless and more like finding where I belonged, but when I was driving my car cross country back to the west coast with all my belongings I remember thinking that everything would magically become awesome in my life. Like a new me was waiting ahead for me, leaving my limiting habits self behind. Part of me knew this wasn't the way to deal with my issues (mainly confidence issues), but the other part of me was so excited for a fresh start.
Seattle was my 9th move in the seven years since I had graduated high school. In the first 9 years in Seattle I would live in 6 different apartments until I moved the 7th time to the home my husband and I own. As of this writing I have lived in this home for 4 years. The longest I have lived anywhere since I was 16 (that's when I left for my exchange year in Finland).
Finally for the first time in my adult life I've nowhere to run and so I keep running into myself. Running into the parts of myself that I've successfully escaped until now. Not going to lie, it feels really uncomfortable most of the time, but I've made commitments in my marriage and in my mortgage and married someone who is the opposite in moving and living habits than me.
While it's uncomfortable I also realize that this is EXACTLY the medicine I wanted for myself in order to overcome the urge to leave behind the parts of me that I feel hold me back from living to my fullest potential. And so I write this not feeling sorry for myself, but as a way to honor and document this exact moment in my healing journey.
Taking off and finding ourselves is not inherently unhealthy. I'd argue for its benefits actually. What is unhealthy though is letting it become a pattern that ultimately holds us back from working through certain issues.
It's not lost on me that when I left for Finland I had a long-term home with my family and when I came back 9 months later my parents were divorcing (that part I was truly okay with, but perhaps impacted me more than I realized) and my mom and I would soon move away from the home I'd spent my formative years in. The home that's been haunting me in my dreams this week.
I've spent so much time with myself at home over the past two years and I was getting sick of myself. I would try and do things that would inch me closer to my goals, but by the early evening I would fall back to the habits I was trying to break.
I've been dreaming a lot about moving this past year. Lots of daydreams of new beginnings. I took off on a two-week solo road trip this past June so I could have a taste of the new and unknown. I was hoping that trip would get it all out of my system (aka, hoping I would leave behind this less-than-ideal self), but I came back still me only with another new state under my belt with more stories to tell.
Today as I write this I know that I'm where I'm meant to be at this time. Chucking my life away to begin again won't get me the life I seek. It'll only delay the issues I ignore. In order to feel better more often in my life and make the most out of my potential I must keep moving forward in my current life, in my current home.
I share this with you today for a few reasons.
1. I share for those of you who needed to read exactly this today.
2. I share to give light (attention) to my shadow parts so they don't feel so powerful.
3. I share to show my humanness and that you're not alone in any of your current struggles. We all have them even if they may seem invisible to others.
I think and ponder a lot as I've been working through my limiting beliefs and habits. It can be hard for me to share here. I want to share, but then I feel the focus shouldn't be on me, but you.
I have to remind myself that this space was created mainly to share what it's like for me to go through the journey of re-discovering who I truly am. My soul self after a lifetime of ego living. Somedays the sharing will be focused on YOU. And other times, like today, it will be focused on my personal journey.
Whatever the focus is I hope that you aways find something within the writing that makes you feel less alone in your humanness.
So I'll be over here getting to know the parts of myself I've escaped up till now Uncovering patterns and beliefs that keep me playing it small and safe. Sharing and oversharing now. Allowing myself to show up imperfectly in a public way. Learning to love the shadows equally as much as my light.
Until next time,